I’ll be honest. I may be awesome, but I am far from perfect. In fact I often annoy myself with how difficult it is for me to just be nice at times. It.drives.me.nuts.

I have a Beast that is trying to kill me! It’a a series of situations that led me to a terrible attitude. I need to let go of it already. My heart wants so desperately to be obedient and release it, but my cold, nasty flesh seems to be hanging on for dear life.

(And I guess that would make sense since my flesh knows that ultimately it will be forced into submission in obedience to God’s word. I’d be scared too.)

This Beast is one that is years in the making. I’m not deluded enough to think that it will go away overnight. It has a hold on me–this Beast. I’ve been marinating in my pride and self-righteousness for a long, long time, and the devil has loved every last ugly second of it. But this Beast is going down. It’s crippling me and keeping me from an abundant life promised to me.

I knew when I re-started my blog here in this new space that part of what I would write about is this Beast. It’s in part the inspiration of the blog title. This Beast will be the end of me if I don’t deal with it now.

(I’ve been THAT nasty, people. Ugh. You would not want to be near me!)

To be accountable, to myself and to you and to God, I have taken a few steps forward in slaying this Beast.

1. I recognized the root of my bad attitude–self-righteousness or more specifically PRIDE. I alway think I know better when it comes to this Beast. BIG mistake. I know nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

2. I told someone about it–The Music Man. He already knew, of course but admitting to him the black state of my heart in regards to this Beast was a freeing thing.

3. I am seeking wise council in the form of Andrew Murray’s classic book, Humility and Absolute Surrender. I can’t get past the first chapter. It’s so totally messed me up–in a good way.

4. This one just happened this morning…


God began yesterday to lead me to this, but I was a bit hesitant. I did it, but tentatively.

Today. Oh today. I take captive my thoughts and I will begin to pray. I will pray specifics. I will pray by name. I will pray blessings.

I will conquer this beast.

I knew that conquering this Beast would not be quick, easy, or without a few battle wounds along the way, but what I had underestimated was God’s grace flooding me and giving me such peace. He IS faithful to meet us right where we are even if it’s in the muck and filth we made ourselves.

“His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.” Luke 3:17

This Beast will NOT be the end of me.