About six years ago, God very clearly spoke to me and told me that like He did with the Israelites a few thousand years ago, He was going to lead me out and into a wilderness. I arrogantly and ignorantly declared that a wilderness didn’t have to be a dry desolate place like a desert was. A wilderness could be a beautiful place of refuge, like a field of wildflowers and a sweet mountain stream running through.

Hahahahaha!!!! Oh God bless my heart!!

A wilderness is just that…a wild, untamed, no-man’s land. There’s a reason no one lives in a wilderness. It’s awful. Sure, there can be moments of beauty and serenity, times of refreshing and abundant provision, but like the Israelites, I was being led on a journey of wandering through my own wilderness. He said that if I was obedient as He led, my wilderness wouldn’t need to be as long as the ancient people of God. So again, quite arrogantly and incredibly ignorantly I said expectantly, “bring it on God! Let’s do this!” Like I was going to a sold-out Adele show at Madison Square Garden in NYC. NBD. Like it was going to be this great adventure. Fun just waiting to happen!

Again. God bless me!

So began what can only now be described as the hardest and darkest days of my entire life. Everything I knew about myself–who I was, what I was on this earth to do, what God had called me to–everything I knew to be true was shaken. I lost who I was. I floundered. I stumbled. I couldn’t see the light through the mist and fog that had settled deeply on my life and in my heart. I was stripped bare.

You see the thing about a wilderness is that it puts you into a place where you’re vulnerable to attacks. The enemy looks for your weaknesses and uses them against you. My identity had always been wrapped up in leadership. I love people. I love the Church. I love pastoring and teaching and training and encouraging people in their walk with the Lord. It’s who I am. It’s who God has created me to be. I can’t NOT be that anymore than I can NOT be a woman or mother or wife. I can’t NOT be those things. It’s WHO I AM.

Through a series of events, during my wandering through the wilderness,  I gave up that confidence in who I was. I believed the lies of the enemy that I had no value as a leader. I believed that my opinion and ideas were not welcome. I believed that I was nothing more than a pretty face. The very core of who I am was subjected to such scrutiny and criticism by the enemy of my soul, that I actually began to believe that I was crazy for thinking and feeling the way I did. I believed the lies that I was nothing and no one saw me, cared about me, or heard me.

But, GOD!!

God never left me at any point in this long and winding journey through the wilderness. And to be honest, He was the only One I could turn to. I knew in my brain that HE sees me, HE cares about me, and HE hears me, but during this wandering I experienced Him seeing me, caring for me, hearing me. I now knew deep in my heart that HE sees and cares and hears me! This heart knowledge sent me in hot pursuit of my Savior and I found my Lord once again. I studied the Word of God like I had never studied it before. I prayed down heaven on my home and family and friends. I cried oceans and seas and rivers and lakes and streams of tears. I fought the lies. I fought to find my value in Him and Him ONLY. I fought for purpose. I fought for peace in the midst of the darkest valleys of my life.

He held onto me so fiercely during this time. He shoved me so far up under His wing that the darkness I felt and saw was nothing compared to what I imagine had been intended for me. (See Psalm 91:4 if that reference sounds weird to you.) He hid me away while he ripped me open and did major surgery on my heart and soul. (See John 15:2)*

In early 2015, through the Word of God coming alive to me, He began to show me that my wilderness was coming to an end. He had originally hidden me under His wing to protect me from greater hurt and pain while He pruned and disciplined me, but now I was just hiding. I was hiding from life. It had become my default to say no to everything and everyone. No matter how good your event or program or need was, I simply and quickly said “NO!”

But now, He said I was done hiding. He began to draw me out (or shove me out from under His wing, as it were–I was cozy and comfortable in the nest under His wing). He said in His most tender and gentle way, “It’s time. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time for you to blossom. It’s time for you to use the voice I gave you. It’s time for you to shine.”

In April, my family moved to another state. (See. Shoved out of my comfy nest.) nowThe move was a part of His plan for me. It wasn’t just for my husband’s job. God doesn’t miss anything! He orchestrates everything with flawless execution! He brought me to a place where my heart can heal; where who I am is enough. I have a voice and am encouraged to use it for the glory of God in the Church. This isn’t a physical place as much as a spiritual place. Just like my wilderness had nothing to do with my geographic location. My time in the wilderness pruned my heart. A wise counselor told me a few weeks ago that I’ve been a good soldier. It’s now time to rest. That simple statement broke through some very high, very thick walls I had built to isolate and insulate myself. I longed for rest. I longed for His rest! But rest in God isn’t like rest by human standards. Oswald Chambers in his timeless devotional says,

“Come unto me and I will give you rest,” (Matthew 11:28) i.e. I will stay you. Not–I will put you to bed and hold your hand and sing you to sleep; but–I will get you out of bed, out of the languor and exhaustion, out of the state of being half dead while you are alive; I will imbue you with the spirit of life, and you will be stayed by the perfection of vital activity. (My Utmost for His Highest, June 11)

Last week, I was praying about the direction of my life and family. I was feeling like I had fallen back into a rut I had made in the wilderness and I didn’t like who I was reverting back to. The motto of my life for the past few years has been to SIMPLIFY. Get back to the basics. Minimize and declutter my mind, life, house, etc. I was feeling that I had kinda mastered that concept to the degree that God had intended and now I was wondering where we were headed next. As I journaled that morning, I wrote, “Lord come and redirect my path. Refocus me. Renew. Retrain. Revive.” And then I wrote, “Release.” And the word leaped off the page and dove into my heart!

RELEASE.

“It’s time to release,” He said to my open heart. “All the hurt. All the anger. All the lies. It’s time to let it all go. It’s time to let go and let Me release you into the destiny that is waiting for you. It’s time.”

So as we write the last few pages of 2015, I am at peace with the last few years of my life–my wilderness. I made it through. I am most certainly NOT the same person I was when I so arrogantly and ignorantly said, “Bring it on!” My heart is softer. Hopefully, I am stronger and wiser for having wandered all those years.

Will I ever wander in a wilderness again? I don’t know, but I do know that every year winter comes. Even those years when it’s 75* on Christmas day. Winter comes as surely as spring, summer, and fall come year after year. And as the seasons of life pass, we learn and adapt to them. We embrace the changes because we know that change is inevitable. So, maybe another wilderness is in my future, but I’m confident that when it comes, I will be able to walk through it with grace and dignity because of what I’ve learned in this wilderness.

I look to 2016 with great anticipation. Maybe I’m still saying “bring it on!” But this time I say it with great trepidation and fear of the Lord God Almighty. Ha! I have hopes and dreams for my life and for the life of my family. Life with God is ALWAYS an adventure! But it’s also the most thrilling experience! I am confident in my God. I believe with all my might that His hand is upon me and He has plans for my life. This wandering through a wilderness was part of His plan for my life.

God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience. Just think of the enormous amount of free time God has! He is never in a hurry. Yet we are always in such a frantic hurry. While still in the light of the glory of the vision, we go right out to do things, but the vision is not yet real in us. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal…Allow Him to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Then as surely as God is God, and you are you, you will turn out as an exact likeness of the vision. But don’t lose heart in the process. If you have ever had a vision from God, you may try as you will to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never allow it. (My Utmost for His Highest, July 6)

My friend, I can’t end this post without asking you about where you are in this journey of life. (Forgive me. It’s the pastor in me! I really do love you!)

How are you?

Are you in the middle of a wilderness of your own?

Are you surrounded by a the darkest cloud of confusion and doubt?

Maybe you are cruising through life with purpose and confidence. Good for you!! What a treasure that is and I pray that your life brings joy and encouragement to everyone you come into contact with.

Wherever you find yourself, know that your life has value. You aren’t just a pretty face, the pastor’s wife, or so-and-so’s mom. You are loved beyond measure by The Wonderful Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting father, The Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). He is enough and He always gives you more than you need. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that you could ask or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20) Your life has purpose and you are important. He sees you. He cares for you. He hears you!

 

 

 

*All of this wilderness wandering is the primary reason I stopped blogging. Well that and I kept having babies and then nursing them and then potty training them and then teaching them how to read and all that jazz. I can multitask fairly well, but honestly, who wants to blog when your heart and life and sanity are hanging on by a thread?