I don’t have enough time to think the thoughts that need to be thought in order to make sense of all the thoughts that need to be thought. You totally get that, right? Because I really don’t know how to be any more clear than that. You see, I’m convinced that my brain is only capable of thinking so many thoughts at one time before it shuts off.  Early last week I hit that limit. It was like when Truman hit the wall of the sky. You go so far and that’s it. Show’s over. My phone does this too. About every other week or so I get this little error message…

(Over the weekend it was because my baby had taken a 45 minute video of the bottom of my laundry basket. Nice.)

Over the past few weeks, our little family has been running at a million miles per hour in a million different directions and I’ve been trying to keep track of everyone and everything. The spring is always a busy season for us. We have the majority of our birthdays within 5 weeks of one another. My husband has many work commitments that take him out of town. Throw in a trip of my own, birthday parties for the previously mentioned birthdays, and there isn’t much time for anything else. Oh and not to mention that school continues regardless of what else is going on… finishing this year, prepping for the summer, planning for next year. Doctors and dentist appointments too! I totally forgot about all of those! Every single one of us has been to the dentist and the doctor at least once in the last 6 weeks. Some of us more than once.

It’s a lot of thoughts to think. And normally I can manage it all. Yes, I freak out every now and then. Yes, I write lists like a mad woman to stay on track. Yes, I ask for help. But here’s what has done me in these past few weeks…

All the talking all the time with all the noise and all the boo boos and all the questions from all the little people who all need to eat all the time and make all the messes in all the rooms of all the houses with all the chatter that happens with all the little ones that all the kids need to talk to all the time when mommy is on the phone with all the doctors offices who need all the insurance and all the paper work done before all the appointments that are needed from all the boo boos and all the sniffles and all the healthy check ups for all the family who talk all the time and eat all the food in all the grocery bags from all the stores and then use all the toilet paper for all the poop that comes from all the kids who make all the noise asking all the questions and screaming at all the brothers who chase after all the sisters who destroyed all the Legos and need all the goldfish crackers from all the shelves and all the baskets in all of the rooms with all the toys and all the friends and all the kids that need to tell me about all their woes all the time and all the drama of being six and all the wonderful things about being ten while all the while the two year old destroys all the things in all the rooms all the time.

I just…

I mean…

I can’t even…

How do you even think one thought let alone all the thoughts that a mother needs to think in order to keep her family alive? I simply don’t have the time to think all the thoughts that need to be thought. If you’ve had a conversation with me these past few weeks, then you were witness to the mess thats is my brain. (Even this post is a mess. Bless my heart for even trying.)

I’m trying to be I’m ok with this, for now… Because I know this is just a season of life and as quickly as it came it will also be over. Or so every person who has ever raised children likes to tell me every single time I see them. “Enjoy this season,” they say. “It’s over so quickly and you will miss it.” But here’s the thing they don’t tell you… They don’t miss not being able to think a complete thought about what to have for breakfast. They don’t miss all the poop. They don’t miss the lack of date nights or the obscene price of babysitters. They don’t miss the exhaustion, the fake smiles when all you really want to do is scream. They don’t miss all of this season I am in. If they do than they are a far better person than I am. And they’re high.

I love my kids! I even enjoy my children and I know I will miss their chubby cheeks and all the wonderful things that they say.  I am enjoying this season of life, but… I will also enjoy the next season when they go to the bathroom on their own and wipe their own butts. I will enjoy the blossoming lives of young adulthood. I will enjoy them as they test their wings and practice flying. And I will enjoy when they fly away and I can once again think some thoughts. That is why I also get so annoyed when people say what a Super Mom I am, because I know the truth.

I know that I’m barely getting by. If I keep my kids alive for another day then I count that day as a success. I drop into bed each night exhausted just thinking about all that needs to be done tomorrow. I cannot wait to have time to be able to think some thoughts that will lead to more thoughts and new thoughts while I drink my morning coffee in peace and quiet. I can.not. wait for that. And that’s my truth. Get me to the other side of poopy diapers, Lord!

It bugs me so much to hear our culture talk about how hard motherhood is like we should wear our struggle like a badge of honor. Motherhood IS hard. So what? So is college. So is training to be an astronaut. So is flying a jet plane, blogging consistently, grocery shopping, 1st grade, learning to ride a bike, climbing a mountain, staying sober, or caring for an elderly parent. Life is hard. All of it. All the time. No one gets a pass on life just because it’s hard. We all either do it and are made stronger for the struggle or we don’t do it and we let others pick up our slack.

(I honestly can’t tell if there is any sanity to what I’m saying because I can’t even be certain that I’m thinking thoughts that will translate well onto paper, or computer screen, as it were.)

I just know that I’m desperately trying to regain some time to think some thoughts. I will be a better mom and wife for it. My family will be able to eat some real food rather than the apple I threw at the kids for lunch because I have taken the time to think the thoughts I need to think in order to shop for all the food they eat. The school day will run smoothly because I have thought all the thoughts I need to think to organize our day. My husband will get so much work done because I’m able to think all the thoughts about how to handle all the activity of the two year old instead of calling him crying from my hiding spot in the closet as she slings poop around the bathroom.

These thoughts won’t think themselves. I need to think them. I just need the time to do it. Those thoughts will need time to grow and to become more thoughts that will then lead me to think bigger thoughts that can then be broken down into manageable thoughts that will organize and help other thoughts to be thought and to grow and to flourish and blossom and smell pretty. I just need the time to think the thoughts.

On the bookshelf next to my desk, I have a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux. I have no idea who that is or who turned his quote into the adorable poster that I printed out and laminated. But whoever he was and whoever made the pretty poster, I thank you. Because no matter what thoughts get thought or don’t get thought, I’m thankful to be right here in the middle of it all. There’s no where else I’d rather be.

For now. (wink, wink)

And just as a disclaimer… I know I know I know that this is just a season of my life and it will be over quickly and I will miss it. I know. I know. But thankyouverymuch for listening.