Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Release

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About six years ago, God very clearly spoke to me and told me that like He did with the Israelites a few thousand years ago, He was going to lead me out and into a wilderness. I arrogantly and ignorantly declared that a wilderness didn’t have to be a dry desolate place like a desert was. A wilderness could be a beautiful place of refuge, like a field of wildflowers and a sweet mountain stream running through.

Hahahahaha!!!! Oh God bless my heart!!

A wilderness is just that…a wild, untamed, no-man’s land. There’s a reason no one lives in a wilderness. It’s awful. Sure, there can be moments of beauty and serenity, times of refreshing and abundant provision, but like the Israelites, I was being led on a journey of wandering through my own wilderness. He said that if I was obedient as He led, my wilderness wouldn’t need to be as long as the ancient people of God. So again, quite arrogantly and incredibly ignorantly I said expectantly, “bring it on God! Let’s do this!” Like I was going to a sold-out Adele show at Madison Square Garden in NYC. NBD. Like it was going to be this great adventure. Fun just waiting to happen!

Again. God bless me!

So began what can only now be described as the hardest and darkest days of my entire life. Everything I knew about myself–who I was, what I was on this earth to do, what God had called me to–everything I knew to be true was shaken. I lost who I was. I floundered. I stumbled. I couldn’t see the light through the mist and fog that had settled deeply on my life and in my heart. I was stripped bare.

You see the thing about a wilderness is that it puts you into a place where you’re vulnerable to attacks. The enemy looks for your weaknesses and uses them against you. My identity had always been wrapped up in leadership. I love people. I love the Church. I love pastoring and teaching and training and encouraging people in their walk with the Lord. It’s who I am. It’s who God has created me to be. I can’t NOT be that anymore than I can NOT be a woman or mother or wife. I can’t NOT be those things. It’s WHO I AM.

Through a series of events, during my wandering through the wilderness,  I gave up that confidence in who I was. I believed the lies of the enemy that I had no value as a leader. I believed that my opinion and ideas were not welcome. I believed that I was nothing more than a pretty face. The very core of who I am was subjected to such scrutiny and criticism by the enemy of my soul, that I actually began to believe that I was crazy for thinking and feeling the way I did. I believed the lies that I was nothing and no one saw me, cared about me, or heard me.

But, GOD!!

God never left me at any point in this long and winding journey through the wilderness. And to be honest, He was the only One I could turn to. I knew in my brain that HE sees me, HE cares about me, and HE hears me, but during this wandering I experienced Him seeing me, caring for me, hearing me. I now knew deep in my heart that HE sees and cares and hears me! This heart knowledge sent me in hot pursuit of my Savior and I found my Lord once again. I studied the Word of God like I had never studied it before. I prayed down heaven on my home and family and friends. I cried oceans and seas and rivers and lakes and streams of tears. I fought the lies. I fought to find my value in Him and Him ONLY. I fought for purpose. I fought for peace in the midst of the darkest valleys of my life.

He held onto me so fiercely during this time. He shoved me so far up under His wing that the darkness I felt and saw was nothing compared to what I imagine had been intended for me. (See Psalm 91:4 if that reference sounds weird to you.) He hid me away while he ripped me open and did major surgery on my heart and soul. (See John 15:2)*

In early 2015, through the Word of God coming alive to me, He began to show me that my wilderness was coming to an end. He had originally hidden me under His wing to protect me from greater hurt and pain while He pruned and disciplined me, but now I was just hiding. I was hiding from life. It had become my default to say no to everything and everyone. No matter how good your event or program or need was, I simply and quickly said “NO!”

But now, He said I was done hiding. He began to draw me out (or shove me out from under His wing, as it were–I was cozy and comfortable in the nest under His wing). He said in His most tender and gentle way, “It’s time. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time for you to blossom. It’s time for you to use the voice I gave you. It’s time for you to shine.”

In April, my family moved to another state. (See. Shoved out of my comfy nest.) nowThe move was a part of His plan for me. It wasn’t just for my husband’s job. God doesn’t miss anything! He orchestrates everything with flawless execution! He brought me to a place where my heart can heal; where who I am is enough. I have a voice and am encouraged to use it for the glory of God in the Church. This isn’t a physical place as much as a spiritual place. Just like my wilderness had nothing to do with my geographic location. My time in the wilderness pruned my heart. A wise counselor told me a few weeks ago that I’ve been a good soldier. It’s now time to rest. That simple statement broke through some very high, very thick walls I had built to isolate and insulate myself. I longed for rest. I longed for His rest! But rest in God isn’t like rest by human standards. Oswald Chambers in his timeless devotional says,

“Come unto me and I will give you rest,” (Matthew 11:28) i.e. I will stay you. Not–I will put you to bed and hold your hand and sing you to sleep; but–I will get you out of bed, out of the languor and exhaustion, out of the state of being half dead while you are alive; I will imbue you with the spirit of life, and you will be stayed by the perfection of vital activity. (My Utmost for His Highest, June 11)

Last week, I was praying about the direction of my life and family. I was feeling like I had fallen back into a rut I had made in the wilderness and I didn’t like who I was reverting back to. The motto of my life for the past few years has been to SIMPLIFY. Get back to the basics. Minimize and declutter my mind, life, house, etc. I was feeling that I had kinda mastered that concept to the degree that God had intended and now I was wondering where we were headed next. As I journaled that morning, I wrote, “Lord come and redirect my path. Refocus me. Renew. Retrain. Revive.” And then I wrote, “Release.” And the word leaped off the page and dove into my heart!

RELEASE.

“It’s time to release,” He said to my open heart. “All the hurt. All the anger. All the lies. It’s time to let it all go. It’s time to let go and let Me release you into the destiny that is waiting for you. It’s time.”

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So as we write the last few pages of 2015, I am at peace with the last few years of my life–my wilderness. I made it through. I am most certainly NOT the same person I was when I so arrogantly and ignorantly said, “Bring it on!” My heart is softer. Hopefully, I am stronger and wiser for having wandered all those years.

Will I ever wander in a wilderness again? I don’t know, but I do know that every year winter comes. Even those years when it’s 75* on Christmas day. Winter comes as surely as spring, summer, and fall come year after year. And as the seasons of life pass, we learn and adapt to them. We embrace the changes because we know that change is inevitable. So, maybe another wilderness is in my future, but I’m confident that when it comes, I will be able to walk through it with grace and dignity because of what I’ve learned in this wilderness.

I look to 2016 with great anticipation. Maybe I’m still saying “bring it on!” But this time I say it with great trepidation and fear of the Lord God Almighty. Ha! I have hopes and dreams for my life and for the life of my family. Life with God is ALWAYS an adventure! But it’s also the most thrilling experience! I am confident in my God. I believe with all my might that His hand is upon me and He has plans for my life. This wandering through a wilderness was part of His plan for my life.

God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience. Just think of the enormous amount of free time God has! He is never in a hurry. Yet we are always in such a frantic hurry. While still in the light of the glory of the vision, we go right out to do things, but the vision is not yet real in us. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal…Allow Him to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Then as surely as God is God, and you are you, you will turn out as an exact likeness of the vision. But don’t lose heart in the process. If you have ever had a vision from God, you may try as you will to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never allow it. (My Utmost for His Highest, July 6)

My friend, I can’t end this post without asking you about where you are in this journey of life. (Forgive me. It’s the pastor in me! I really do love you!)

How are you?

Are you in the middle of a wilderness of your own?

Are you surrounded by a the darkest cloud of confusion and doubt?

Maybe you are cruising through life with purpose and confidence. Good for you!! What a treasure that is and I pray that your life brings joy and encouragement to everyone you come into contact with.

Wherever you find yourself, know that your life has value. You aren’t just a pretty face, the pastor’s wife, or so-and-so’s mom. You are loved beyond measure by The Wonderful Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting father, The Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). He is enough and He always gives you more than you need. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that you could ask or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20) Your life has purpose and you are important. He sees you. He cares for you. He hears you!

 

 

 

*All of this wilderness wandering is the primary reason I stopped blogging. Well that and I kept having babies and then nursing them and then potty training them and then teaching them how to read and all that jazz. I can multitask fairly well, but honestly, who wants to blog when your heart and life and sanity are hanging on by a thread?

Time to think the thoughts that need to be thought

Posted in Deep Thoughts, The Ball Room Academy by

I don’t have enough time to think the thoughts that need to be thought in order to make sense of all the thoughts that need to be thought. You totally get that, right? Because I really don’t know how to be any more clear than that. You see, I’m convinced that my brain is only capable of thinking so many thoughts at one time before it shuts off.  Early last week I hit that limit. It was like when Truman hit the wall of the sky. You go so far and that’s it. Show’s over. My phone does this too. About every other week or so I get this little error message…Image

(Over the weekend it was because my baby had taken a 45 minute video of the bottom of my laundry basket. Nice.)

Over the past few weeks, our little family has been running at a million miles per hour in a million different directions and I’ve been trying to keep track of everyone and everything. The spring is always a busy season for us. We have the majority of our birthdays within 5 weeks of one another. My husband has many work commitments that take him out of town. Throw in a trip of my own, birthday parties for the previously mentioned birthdays, and there isn’t much time for anything else. Oh and not to mention that school continues regardless of what else is going on… finishing this year, prepping for the summer, planning for next year. Doctors and dentist appointments too! I totally forgot about all of those! Every single one of us has been to the dentist and the doctor at least once in the last 6 weeks. Some of us more than once.

It’s a lot of thoughts to think. And normally I can manage it all. Yes, I freak out every now and then. Yes, I write lists like a mad woman to stay on track. Yes, I ask for help. But here’s what has done me in these past few weeks…

All the talking all the time with all the noise and all the boo boos and all the questions from all the little people who all need to eat all the time and make all the messes in all the rooms of all the houses with all the chatter that happens with all the little ones that all the kids need to talk to all the time when mommy is on the phone with all the doctors offices who need all the insurance and all the paper work done before all the appointments that are needed from all the boo boos and all the sniffles and all the healthy check ups for all the family who talk all the time and eat all the food in all the grocery bags from all the stores and then use all the toilet paper for all the poop that comes from all the kids who make all the noise asking all the questions and screaming at all the brothers who chase after all the sisters who destroyed all the Legos and need all the goldfish crackers from all the shelves and all the baskets in all of the rooms with all the toys and all the friends and all the kids that need to tell me about all their woes all the time and all the drama of being six and all the wonderful things about being ten while all the while the two year old destroys all the things in all the rooms all the time.

I just…

I mean…

I can’t even…

How do you even think one thought let alone all the thoughts that a mother needs to think in order to keep her family alive? I simply don’t have the time to think all the thoughts that need to be thought. If you’ve had a conversation with me these past few weeks, then you were witness to the mess thats is my brain. (Even this post is a mess. Bless my heart for even trying.)

I’m trying to be I’m ok with this, for now… Because I know this is just a season of life and as quickly as it came it will also be over. Or so every person who has ever raised children likes to tell me every single time I see them. “Enjoy this season,” they say. “It’s over so quickly and you will miss it.” But here’s the thing they don’t tell you… They don’t miss not being able to think a complete thought about what to have for breakfast. They don’t miss all the poop. They don’t miss the lack of date nights or the obscene price of babysitters. They don’t miss the exhaustion, the fake smiles when all you really want to do is scream. They don’t miss all of this season I am in. If they do than they are a far better person than I am. And they’re high.

I love my kids! I even enjoy my children and I know I will miss their chubby cheeks and all the wonderful things that they say.  I am enjoying this season of life, but… I will also enjoy the next season when they go to the bathroom on their own and wipe their own butts. I will enjoy the blossoming lives of young adulthood. I will enjoy them as they test their wings and practice flying. And I will enjoy when they fly away and I can once again think some thoughts. That is why I also get so annoyed when people say what a Super Mom I am, because I know the truth.

I know that I’m barely getting by. If I keep my kids alive for another day then I count that day as a success. I drop into bed each night exhausted just thinking about all that needs to be done tomorrow. I cannot wait to have time to be able to think some thoughts that will lead to more thoughts and new thoughts while I drink my morning coffee in peace and quiet. I can.not. wait for that. And that’s my truth. Get me to the other side of poopy diapers, Lord!

It bugs me so much to hear our culture talk about how hard motherhood is like we should wear our struggle like a badge of honor. Motherhood IS hard. So what? So is college. So is training to be an astronaut. So is flying a jet plane, blogging consistently, grocery shopping, 1st grade, learning to ride a bike, climbing a mountain, staying sober, or caring for an elderly parent. Life is hard. All of it. All the time. No one gets a pass on life just because it’s hard. We all either do it and are made stronger for the struggle or we don’t do it and we let others pick up our slack.

(I honestly can’t tell if there is any sanity to what I’m saying because I can’t even be certain that I’m thinking thoughts that will translate well onto paper, or computer screen, as it were.)

I just know that I’m desperately trying to regain some time to think some thoughts. I will be a better mom and wife for it. My family will be able to eat some real food rather than the apple I threw at the kids for lunch because I have taken the time to think the thoughts I need to think in order to shop for all the food they eat. The school day will run smoothly because I have thought all the thoughts I need to think to organize our day. My husband will get so much work done because I’m able to think all the thoughts about how to handle all the activity of the two year old instead of calling him crying from my hiding spot in the closet as she slings poop around the bathroom.

These thoughts won’t think themselves. I need to think them. I just need the time to do it. Those thoughts will need time to grow and to become more thoughts that will then lead me to think bigger thoughts that can then be broken down into manageable thoughts that will organize and help other thoughts to be thought and to grow and to flourish and blossom and smell pretty. I just need the time to think the thoughts.

On the bookshelf next to my desk, I have a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux. I have no idea who that is or who turned his quote into the adorable poster that I printed out and laminated. But whoever he was and whoever made the pretty poster, I thank you. Because no matter what thoughts get thought or don’t get thought, I’m thankful to be right here in the middle of it all. There’s no where else I’d rather be.

For now. (wink, wink)

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And just as a disclaimer… I know I know I know that this is just a season of my life and it will be over quickly and I will miss it. I know. I know. But thankyouverymuch for listening.

What annoys you only makes you stronger

Posted in books, Deep Thoughts by

So now you know that I love to write. It should come as no surprise then that I also love to read. I mean reading and writing go hand in hand after all. In my reading prime (aka. The time before children and responsibilities) I could easily ready a couple books a week. I LOVE reading. I love books. I love words. I love love love.

But college pretty much ruined me for the non-fiction. There’s just something about being forced to read 1000 pages a week of blah, blah, blah that can kill a love of reading real fast. So when I no longer had to read, I chose to read lots of fluff. Mostly Christian historical fiction. Give me a little Traci Peterson or Mary Connealy and I’m happy for a few hours. But I just could not get into anything that didn’t have some sort of sinister plot or kidnapping of a innocent pioneer girl.

More recently, I’ve been able to dip my toes back into the waters of non-fiction. I’m currently knee-deep in Jane Creswell’s book Christ-Centered Coaching: 7 Benefits for Ministry Leaders. I know what you’re thinking… DRY!!!! But it’s so NOT!!!! Creswell is totally engaging. She’s a master coach who has coached in both the secular business and church leadership worlds. She knows her stuff.

Just a side note in case you aren’t familiar with the coaching concept.

…Coaching is not counseling, consulting, or mentoring… In consulting and mentoring, the expertise lies in the consultant or the mentor and is transferred to the person. In coaching, on the other hand, the expertise lies within you, the person being coached… Counseling is about resolving how the past informs the present, while coaching is only about the present and moving forward. Counseling assumes a lack of health, while coaching assumes health… Mentoring (fills) in some information from experience that you don’t have. (Pg 15-16)

I’m about halfway through the book and the first half looks like a highlighter threw up on it. It’s that good. The one thing that had been running laps in my head is the idea of personal strengths. Have you ever been in a situation like a job interview and someone has asked you what your strengths are? If you’re anything like me, naming my strengths is tough, like almost impossible. I mean I can change a mean poopy diaper but I’m not sure how that translates into real-world situations.

Creswell gives great insight into how to discover your strengths.

…Strengths come so naturally to you that instead of seeing them as strengths, you think that all human beings were born with them. You come to this conclusion because you hardly have to work at developing these strengths… You can also gain clues to your (strengths) through self-observation. Since you erroneously think all human beings were born with your strengths, you become frustrated with them if they don’t display the behaviors that fit with your (…) strengths. A good way to determine your strengths is to start noticing what irritates you about how others operate. (Pg 45)

Whoa dude.

Ever since I read this I’ve been racking my brain for everything that annoys me in others. I’m not talking about my kids not picking up their toys or how my neighbor doesn’t mow his lawn. I’m talking about the stuff that I consider to be “human decency” and it really bugs me when people don’t do it.

This is what I’ve come up with so far:

1. Compassion/sympathy. It absolutely drives me nuts how people can see suffering and not want to do anything about it. How can you not cry when someone is crying or not laugh when someone is laughing?
2. Empathy. Seriously. How can you not put yourself into someone else’s shoes for a moment and see the world from their perspective?
3. Teaching. People tell me all the time that they could never homeschool their kids and my answer is always If I can do it, anyone can. But that’s not true. There are definitely people in this world that should not homeschool their kids. There are people who should not lead a Bible study or teach from our pulpits.
4. Writing/word-smithing. Using words to express myself comes like second-nature to me, especially the written word. It bugs me to read a poorly written letter or hear terribly edited copy in a commercial or (heaven help me) a church announcement video, bulletin and bulletin inserts, or a live ministry announcement. (Learn to edit people! You think you’re being funny but you’re just condescending.)
5. An optimistic outlook on life. This one is huge. When I first met and married my husband, he was very pessimistic. Oh did that ever drive me nuts! Always assuming the worst, nothing is good, expect hardship and difficulty, etc. In time, he has gotten a whole lot better. I hope that I’ve worn off on him a little bit, but this still smacks me in the face every time I spend any amount of time with my husband’s family. They’re just pessimistic people. I know my optimism annoys them as much as their pessimism annoys me. Ha!

Creswell goes on to talk about how to use these natural strengths as a foundation to build upon once you’re able to identify them. We can learn how to do things so well that they will feel like legitimate strengths, but if we build upon those as our foundation, things will get shaky later on. Those learned strengths are what burn us out. We build a solid, unshakeable foundation when we build upon our natural strengths. They leave us feeling alive and fulfilled rather than drained and tired.

I think about this a lot these days. I think about what I’m going to do with this knowledge now that I’ve discovered it. I’m beginning to ask myself what small adjustments I can make in my current situations to help to strengthen these natural tendencies? How can I ensure that I’m building a strong foundation?

It’s good food for thought. I know not everyone believes that they can change or even wants to change. I hear all the time this is just who I am. It is who you are, but its not who you have to continue to be.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

So what comes so naturally for you that it annoys you when others don’t do it?
What are your strengths?